Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments and Thoughts To Ponder on Crowd Source Funding.

Years ago, when I met the man in my life, I happened to mention a quote I had read on a wall in a meeting room.  It said “Expectations are premeditation resentments.”  It struck me as profound and unrealistic, however it changed my thinking and helped me be more accountable for what I expect, why and when and how I can help or hinder the situation.  Telling Doug guaranteed I would always be reminded!

I have had myriads of opportunity to work on this which has since become my mantra.  Often I am successful and able to move through sticky situations when I see where my accountability lies.  I can see where I have failed to communicate or be reasonable with myself or others.  In fact, I am nearly perfect.  But not totally!  And when I find myself stuck in the muck and mire of resentments, after fighting to prove I am right and I will never, ever be nice again or be whatever it is I feel I am not getting in return, I have to return to the roots of my expectation and “fix” my attitude.

For the past several years I have been a big fan of KickStarter.com and Indiegogo.com  Both sites, and others like them operate on the simple premise that a lot of people giving a little bit to a project they want to support helps wildly creative and inventive projects to succeed.  Gone are the days of peer review grants and other types of exclusive funding for the few.  Of course, what one of us sees as a worthy project, others may think they are ridiculous.  And it doesn't matter, because a well written and thought out project will attract an audience that supports it totally.  Or, for some reason, it may not.

In the past I have supported:  

•  a water sourcing device in a third world country
•  an artist building a community studio with the skeleton of a barn on his property
•  a board game developer 
• several authors of unique children’s book 
• at least ten artists 
• a Mexican sidewalk café trying to pay legal fees to keep their doors  open in Boston in an increasingly gentrified neighborhood  
• a sweater designer who was doing well and having her limited edition products created in China but they raised her minimum quantity order to such a volume it took away her entire ability to do business (she succeeded and now teaches women in her neighborhood how to use the few looms her grant bought her so not only can she stay in business but she can employ locally)
• a few musical groups looking to create their first CD 
• an election day advent calendar 
• some comic book artists (in honor of my talented nephew)
• and several projects that did not get funding but were great ideas

I have also donated countless dollars to various animal rescues and limit myself to just one or two right now.

I am totally cognizant of how overwhelmed we all can become with all these requests for help and money.  So when I designed my own crowd source funding project and launched it I assumed a few things. 

1.  My first assumption was that most people understand what crowd source funding is and why it works.  
2. My second assumption was that everyone I donated money to would jump in glee to donate money to my project.  
3. My third assumption was that all my friends would be so supportive they would share my information several times a week and get all of their friends to donate at least $5. 
4. My fourth assumption was that everyone has been dying to see my collection of wet felted eggs and egg paintings.  Ok – I wasn’t that unrealistic!

As I near the end of my fund raising drive and I have only 1/5^th of the amount I was asking for (yes I get to keep that money too), I found myself getting resentful and discouraged.  And then pissy angry and saying stupid things (to myself of course – I am too polite to say this out loud) about how I will never share another penny or ounce of my time to ever help anyone again in my whole entire life.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I can be a whiny beeouch at times too.

My resentment pot of stew was boiling over.  And suddenly, resentments of things I thought I had let go of started to get added to this swampy, putrid pot.  And the pot grew bigger and hotter and I was burning myself.  My head hurt, my body ached.  I was getting crabby and even told the dogs it was cheap dog food for them the rest of their hairy little lives!  And I asked Doug if it wasn't about time he bought toilet paper for a change.  Ah, the joys of cooking resentment stew were filling my life rapidly.

So I had a little talk with myself and the first thing I did was nicely ask one person if she meant what I perceived to be a snarly comment about me begging for money.  She was mortified.  Much like myself, she just says what’s on her mind and that wasn't what she meant.  The one thing she did say to me in our conversation was that she really did not know what crowd source funding was.  It is a relatively new concept and artist, being somewhat ego fragile at times, are afraid to ask for feedback, in case it is bad.  Well, not all artist, but I can be like that.

So putting myself out there and asking for support for what may be perceived as a frivolous project is daunting.  I am very fortunate that I have been able to make a change in my life and go for broke.  And no one is financing my lifestyle except for me.  And Doug when he buys the damn toilet paper!  I am not wealthy in terms of money (right now) because I gave up a life where I worked hard to make money to pay for my mortgage (and all that owning a house entails – heck I HAD a house); to pay vet and dental bills and health care insurance.  What I am wealthy in is the courage to pursue my dreams, accept that money may be slow in coming but I will not give up and share my art and my creative efforts as much and for as long as I can.

I believe in crowd sourcing and will still support some projects, once I am more financially successful with my own.  I believe we all have the creative spirit and talent in us in one form or another.  I believe creativity is one way to heal and make one’s life whole.  And the real intent of my project, undoubtedly not expressed very well, is that I want to share that option with everyone.  I feel by having a show and developing a program that supports creativity I would be able to make a positive impact in the world.  Trust me, this is a far cry from the days when I wanted to rule the world and have everyone get along!

The funny thing is, I am already doing so much of what I wanted to do by having the show.  Regardless of less funding, I am still having the show and I want people to buy my work.  And the part of me that loves to share and encourage people and bring out their creativity will always be part of who I am, so funding or not, that aspect of the project, while not as well documented right now, will always be part of who I am and what I do.

I am writing this because I was surprised by my resentments, my expectations and the downward spiral it took me on.  I am happy to report I am back to my normal self and am grateful to those who have donated.  I realized and received feedback that I was over reaching in my scope, but it doesn't mean I will give it up.  I will just pace it differently.

And, of course, there are still nine more days……